10 Things Social Media Ruined…In No Particular Order

10. Forgetting Your Exes – “I’m taking you off my buddy list, bitch!” Remember when this was just a funny line from How High which poked fun at the idea that no one cared about online relationships? Now, “it’s not official, if it’s not on Facebook”–real words from an ex-girlfriend! Well after you make it Facebook Official, which I’m sure is a term…there’s nothing like breaking up with someone/having someone break up with you, only to sign into Facebook or Twitter and be bombarded by pictures them enjoying their new life without you! Even worse is viewing their constant S.U.B.S.(Status Update Bitching…Subliminally) for the first month or so after. You know this as the sad whiny status pointing out your negative attributes, while emphasizing how good they were for you….accompanied by the appropriate Drake lyrics, of course. Even worse, is the On-Again/Off-Again relationships, and online fights your friends have to witness. The equivalent of, your best friend telling you all the crap he hates about a girl you were dating…..and then you get back together. Except it’s much faster and a lot more public. The whole Ross/Rachel situation would have been incredibly annoying if Facebook existed! Social media has made it possible to relive every happy moment you ever had as a couple, and even look back on what went wrong. The worst part is, you seem really petty if you Unfriend/Delete them.

9. AnyJob Involving A Computer– Chances are, you’re at work or in class with six different tabs open reading this list. Well, this one is pretty simple. I got…maybe three lines into this post before I started screwing around online. Which reminds me that I have to go look at pictures of funny cats at for 45 minutes before bed, not because I want to, but because the internet loves them. The kicker? I don’t even like cats! They’re too cool and aloof for me, I don’t trust them.

8. Lying About Your Whereabouts– Just ask Rodney Bradford, a teen who used his social media activity to disprove claims that he committed a robbery. That’s one instance of it working in someone’s favor, but for the rest of us probably won’t fare as well. FourSquare makes it kind of hard to surprise someone with a gift, when they saw that you just checked into their favorite store two days before their birthday. It’s also pretty difficult to explain to your long-distance girlfriend why pictures of you at the bar keep popping up in her news feed. Especially, when you told her that you weren’t going bar hopping because you were swamped with work. Not to worry, in about twelve hours you can leave your comments and apologies under the pictures of what she did last night at her friend’s house party for revenge. I’m talking about ME. I had sex with you girlfriend…that’s the joke, or it isn’t, check you Facebook immediately!

7. Ignoring People You Don’t Like– It used to be simple to ignore someone, you just looked in another direction and pretend you didn’t hear ANYTHING they said. Now, it is impossible to ignore someone for a long period of time. Do you know why? The little message in your chat box that say “Seen September 25”! Know you can ignore someone, but you seem like a dick because they know that you saw whatever it was they were attempting to communicate to you! Even worse is that they know that you started to respond and then just stopped…a little thing called plausible deniability just went out the window!

6. Watching Sports Games You Recorded– Remember how you could record a game and just turn off your cell phone so that no one could call and tell you the score, or big plays that occurred before you got home to watch? That might as well be Mission Impossible 5: Making It Home. There is almost no way you can avoid seeing or hearing something related to whatever sports game is on at the time. Whether it’s the refs almost breaking Twitter with their terriblecalls, or your friends
then complaining about it on Facebook for 6 hours, you are bound to run into some information on what happened.

5. Running For Political Office– It’s no wonder Mitt Romney GTL’ed himself after being asked whether he is a Honey Boo-Boo or Snooki fan. Gotta relate to the youth! Do you remember how your History teacher kept telling you that television was a major factor in JFK being elected? The presidential debates appeared on television and JFK looked all swagged out, while Nixon appeared to be an old man. Basically, put Obama next to John McCain! Well, social media is making really hard to run for political office in America. Every word you utter is put under a microscope because EVERYONE HAS ACCESS TO IT! This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because you can’t just roam around the country promising people whatever they want to elect you, but it is kind of messed up when everything you do is immediately scrutinized by a 14-year old in Idaho. On the other side of the coin, I’m pretty sure that anyone going into politics immediately deletes their current account, hides it from everyone like porn under a mattress, or burns their computer for fear that it’ll come up in the vetting process.

4. Going To Bed Early/Studying– Maybe it’s just me, but I check my social media accounts when I wake up in the morning, and before I go to bed at night. Then I wake up in the middle of the night to check again, just in case something major happened while I was sleeping. Apparently, the world continues to operate while I’m sleeping! Blows. My. Mind. It’s just like when you’re a kid and everyone is staying up to watch a movie, but you have to go to bed. Except now, there is a log of everything that happened while you were in bed. Not to mention all the times I’m checking it I should’ve been doing other work. Fuck My Life,Which brings me to…

3. Acronyms– It started out all cute, “Let’s call instant messenger A.I.M.”, solid! Sounds cool, I was FINE with that…not an acronym. I was just capitalizing to yell at you! Now, there is an acronym for every thought on the internet. I could probably have written this post in all acronyms and half of you wouldn’t be able to read it. But, you would pretend you could…cause it’s not cool to ask what things mean, let that be a life lesson. Not to mention how accurate the picture to the left is, no one actually laughs out loud when they write LOL! In fact, if you were actually LOL’ing while talking to me, you probably wouldn’t be immediately typing back. There also would be no need for my friends to tell me that they “Actually LOL’ed!”…just saying!

2. Winning Random Bets- It used to be really easy to win a bet with your friends. I would just make up some long-winded explanation of why I was right. It would sound incredibly complex, to the point where my friend could only assume I saw it in a book somewhere from all the technical details. Now, I get two sentences in and motherfucker is googling shit! Worse yet, homie collects sources like he’s writing his Honors Thesis.

1. Being a Mailman – Sorry dude! No more friendly neighborhood mailman being chased through the neighborhood by and angry dog, or whatever Leave It To Beaver type of things happen in the suburbs. There’s this thing called E-MAIL, it’s much quicker and cost nothing to have delivered on time! If that’s not your thing then I’m sure you can still deliver that message quicker than “snail mail” through any social media outlet…literally ANY of them. I probably check Myspace more often than I go out to get the mail! What saddens me even more is to think of all those couples with impotent husbands who will never have a child now. Oops, I guess that’s a milkman joke? Whatever, they don’t work anymore either!

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