10 Types Of Drunk: Guy Drunk vs Girl Drunk
When you party, you drink. When you drink, you get drunk. When you get drunk, you are susceptible to shitting the bed – figuratively… but sometimes in the literal sense as well. Drinking lowers our inhibitions and clouds our judgment, making us emotionally amplified, whimsical, and catalysts for regret and/or shame – that is, if you believe in such emotions to begin with. It is the reason why people use the excuse, “I was drunk”, like a “Get out of Jail Free card”. Everyone has a drunken alter ego. Everyone! Usually, these alter egos are pretty awesome and show us a great time, butthey are fickle little fuckers, and sometimes they just fuck with our lives. Either way, we ultimately need to take responsibility for their actions since we ultimately control their presence. Drunkenalter egos come in various different temperaments, especially when we take into account gender differences. Each type of drunk usually has its respective male and female version, although androgynous versions do exist.
Drinkers With Attitude
1. The spurious, obnoxiously cocky drinker vs. The guy who’s never THAT drunk: These are the self-proclaimed demigods of the hard-boozing community.
Girl Drunk: Can be an annoying bitch. She’s full of ridiculous claims of her past drinking binges and how she “can drink most guys under the table”. First of all, no you fucking can’t – you’re a buck-twenty soaking wet, and you’re a chick (studies prove men can handle their alcohol better than women). She usually ends up either getting sick or as one of the drunkest people at the bar, blaming it on not eating anything before she started drinking that night.
Guy Drunk: Usually slightly less outspoken about his superhuman drinking abilities, yet he is far more prideful and obstinate about his talents. He’s usually a decent drinker, but not even close to as good as he thinks. No matter how undoubtedly drunk he may act and appear, he will NEVER admit it…until the next day, when he needs an excuse for one of his actions that night. Even after getting kicked out of the bar and blowing chunks in the parking lot, he’ll still insist that the bouncer hated him for no reason and the complimentary cocktail peanuts must have given him food poisoning…then he’ll casually offer you a ride home. The night usually concludes with you having to wrestle away this stupid asshole’s car keys and then walking him home, where he’ll claim, “Damn, I feel like ALL that alcohol I drank is just starting to hit me…*hiccup*”
2. The problem-solving mom vs. The seasoned lightweight: These are the ‘social drinker’. They are socialites and like to party, but don’t necessarily like to drink, so they aren’t very good drinkers.
Girl Drunk: Almost never “drunk”, but she will get tipsy after just a couple drinks. Since she’s usually the “sober” one, she’s always playing mother hen and is WAY too overprotective – good chance she’s played ‘the cock-block’ at some point. On the nights she gets a little “too tipsy”, she’ll spend the whole night trying to “fix” everyone’s “problems” and forcing her friends into psychotherapy sessions; “her girls” are her number one priority and only she knows what’s best for them.
Guy Drunk: ‘The seasoned lightweight’ is just that – a lightweight. He can’t drink to save his anal cherry and he knows it, but he’s mastered one very important party skill throughout the years: how to pace himself. This guy will rarely be the one involved in the night’s wildest story, but he will be the one telling you all the details with his seemingly supernatural memory. You’ll never see him without a drink in his hand, yet always seems perfectly ok to drive, and he usually is. He’s usually the one to get you home safely at the end of the night and the first one you call in the morning after those hard blackouts.
3. The Girl Who Can Actually Out-Drink The Boys vs. ‘Frank the Tank’: These are the natural born drinkers, the bottomless pits of alcohol consumption.
Drunk Girl: Usually of petite to average build and blessed with a liver like Hunter S. Thompson. She probably won’t go beer for beer with you as she does not have the stomach for it, but she will slug down a half-bottle of cheap vodka with ease and then pass it over, snickering, “Finish it, pussy”. She can be extremely emasculating and, at times, you may want to challenge her. Don’t. It’s not worth it bro; she’s a fucking freak of nature.
Drunk Guy: ‘The tank’ is the guy that drinks an entire 30-pack to face when he’s “just having a some beers on a Sunday afternoon”. He’s usually a large, heavy-set bear of man who can consume his own body weight in food and drink. Even when he’s completely shitfaced, it’ll take him a little under an hour to sober up. If you foolishly end up pairing up as his ‘drinking buddy’ for the day/night, expect to drink yourself into a coma and awake in an inundation of your own bodily fluids.
4. Crazy Drunken Wench vs. The Town Drunk: These are what society has labeled as “alcoholics”. They’re consistently buzzed, but never seem too drunk…or always seem too drunk…it’s hard to say… the line is grey…their drunken display is an array of the cliche that they seem to underplay. NAILED IT!
Girl Drunk: This is the craziest bitch you know. She’ll get home from her 8 AM lecture hall reeking of vodka and cigarettes. She’s always in party mode whenever you see her and think there’s a good chance she may be soaking her tampons in Everclear. She’s typically pretty fun when she’s out, but may cross the line with some of her drunken pranks. Like when she punches you in face…as “a joke”, or when she pretends to be your girlfriend and tries making out with you while you’re mid-conversation with a girl you’re obviously trying to have sex with.
Guy Drunk: “The Town Drunk’ likes boozing more than he likes his dignity. His BAC level is rarely below a .15 and he may often be referred to as “that guy” at the party. Jovial and oblivious, he’s usually very lovable and great source of entertainment, as he’ll do almost anything for some extra swill. When he’s drunk enough, you may even use him as your crutch to get laid. Convince him to go hit on the hottie from across the bar “that’s been asking about him” and then walk over five minutes later to “save” her from “that guy” – she’ll appreciate it and you’ll look extraordinary by comparison. And don’t worry about being mean; ‘The Town Drunk’ is impervious to shame, and usually won’t remember a thing.
5. The hysterical girl vs. The enraged cage fighter: These are the turbulent drunks.
Girl Drunk: This girl is one of the worst people to get stuck with and she will inevitably ruin your entire night. By the severity of her hysterical sobs you would think that she had just witnessed the brutal rape and murder of her entire immediate family. Nine times out of ten she’s crying over something petty or ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL.
Guy Drunk: This dude is an angry little elf. He is rude, confrontational and believes he can destroy anyone in a fight because he just watched an all-day UFC marathon on FuelTV last Sunday. He’s usually so wasted that he’d never stand a chance in a real fight, but somehow the altercations always end up being with someone much, much smaller than him…weird. And if he ever does happen to come face to face with a formidable opponent, his friends will not aid in his defense…they’ve been waiting for this moment for far too long.
6. The social butterfly/dancing queen vs. The elated, thriftless buffoon: These are the ridiculously happy drunks.
Girl Drunk : This is the girl parading around the bar, greeting everyone as if she hasn’t seen them in a decade. She will affectionately embrace you several times, slobber your face with smooches and will confess her ardent love for you, claiming you are her “true best friend”. Less than a minute later, she’ll be repeating the same honeyed speech almost verbatim to the bartender she’s never met before. After spreading her love through oral enchantment (with words, you sicko), you can find her on the dance floor for rest of the night. She may occasionally end up twerking on top of the bar or ecstatically sandwiched between two aggressive dudes.
Guy Drunk: This guy is everyone’s best friend. He hangs on your every word, laughs at your every joke, showers you in compliments and will insist on buying you drinks all night. If you happen to buy him a drink in return, he will be so grateful that he may get a little emotional, and subsequently max out his credit card on you and your friends. He’ll instantly become “the life of the party”, “Mr. Popular”, “the Man”, until he wakes up the next morning and remembers that he’s a broke college student and dad’s credit card was supposed to be used for “emergencies only”.
7. The aggressive slut vs. The lewd, oblivious Neanderthal: These are the half-eye opened, stumbling, slobbering Casanovas and Queen Cleopatras of the party. The most seductive thing about this type is their willingness.
Girl Drunk: This girl is the reason chivalry is dead. She holds no shame in letting any mildly attractive guy know about her feverish lady parts yearning to be “stuffed”. When she isn’t verbally expressing her intentions to “suck the skin off your dick”, her body language usually gives it away – pressing her tits against you, grabbing your dick and sometimes literally throwing herself at you, where you have make a split second decision of whether to catch her or let her eat shit. This girl leaves nothing to the imagination and even if she’s hot, her aggression usually repels most eligible bachelors… until two in the morning, when her phone is bombarded by a swarm of texts message propositions from all the “self respecting” gentlemen brushing her off at the bar – funny how that works.
Guy Drunk: This guy just “wants some pussy” and has no problem making that crystal clear. He has the confidence and enthusiasm, but is lacking in social skills. He’ll make sexual innuendos and crude jokes every chance he gets, and will relentlessly insist you “take another shot”. When his poetic idioms and biting wit don’t seem to do the trick, he’ll take his aptitude for attracting chicks to the dance floor where he’ll dry hump dozens of unsuspecting chicks and a couple dudes by accident. The only girl this guy has an even remote possibility of going home with is ‘the aggressive slut’ and he’ll surely forget to use a rubber.
The ‘Too Drunk’ Drunks
8. The Train Wreck vs. The Vegetable: These are the utterly useless and pitiful drunks. They’re like newborns – completely dependent and can only communicate through cries and babbles.
Girl Drunk: The train wreck is the worst type of drunk ever. She is every type of emotional drunk combined. In a single night, she’ll fall all over the dance floor, try to make out with her best friend’s boyfriend and end in a hysterical fit of tears and vomit. It’s funny; whenever a girl gets this drunk she can never quietly pass out from overdrinking; it’s always a dramatic ordeal full of torture and hysteria.
Guy Drunk: The vegetable is the guy who loses all motor functions of his body. In fact, upon first glance he may look like a dead body, or, if he’s still moving around, a zombie. Unlike ‘the train wreck’, his erratic period – if there is one – is usually short lived before he becomes a comatose embarrassment. The repercussions from ‘the vegetable’ come the next mornings when you have to clean up after his, usually multiple, bodily fluids.
9. The Melodramatic, Needy Girl vs. The Awkward Confessor: These are the drunks that tell you entirely way too much about their lives.
Girl Drunk: This girl is not to be confused with the previously mentioned ‘hysterical girl’ although they may seem similar. ‘The melodramatic, needy girl’ isn’t necessarily always crying and when she is, she has a reason to. This is the girl who just “needs to talk”. She needs someone to listen to her relationship problems, gossip and her doubts about her career path. She also needs constant words of encouragement and compliments, NOT advice – she is only interested in you telling her what she wants to hear. She will usually pick out several victims to repeat her sob story to.
Guy Drunk: This is the guy with serious deep-seeded issues that goes around talking about them when he’s drunk. It’s never anything petty; when this guy needs to talk expect him to drop a bomb. It’s usually something extremely uncomfortable for the listener like, “Hey man, I ever tell you about how abusive my father was?” Or, “When I was 12 years old, a bunch of high school Football players held me down and shoved pine cones up my ass. Look. I still have the scars.” Like, how the fuck do you respond to that?
10. The Completely Blacked-Out Chick vs. The Completely Blacked-Out Dude: These are the drunks that are no longer people and their actions cannot be held against them. They are extremely fickle and sporadic; you never know what you’re going to get from them and they are susceptible to turn into any type of drunk regardless of gender. Only difference here is that girls will usually take care of their blacked out friend while guys will exploit the poor bastard for every ounce of comedy he’s worth.