4 Steps to Surviving A College Pregnancy Scare
If you are a sexually active male enrolled in college, at some point in time (if you haven’t already) you will deal with “The” Scare. To clarify, by sexually active, I don’t mean a love triangle between your right hand and your favorite YouPorn video; and by “The” Scare, I’m not referring to that time your roommate walked in on you doing the five knuckle shuffle. I am referring to the inevitable “we need to talk” text from a contact saved as Hot Jenny, which you eventually remember was the lucky lady you brought back at 3am to sloppily bang out on a pile of dirty laundry on your dorm room floor and is now late on her period. Even though Hot Jenny claims she is 100% sure that she is pregnant, you will finally learn this hellish event is called a “pregnancy scare”.
Gentlemen, when you find yourself in this situation with nowhere to turn, look no further. I give you the four simple steps needed to deal with the one of the most scarring experiences you will encounter during your higher education.
1.) Be Cool
If you are reading this because it was the first result you clicked on after Googling “pregnancy scare”, then congratulations, you’re in the right place. DO NOT PANIC. Hyperventilate or do whatever you need to do but chill dude, as Bob once said, everything is going to be alright. When you talk to her (face to face or on the phone) you need to have ice water in your veins. Think winning free-throw during the championship of March Madness. Confidence and reassurance is the key; calm her down first and tell her it’s going to be ok. And yes, she is sure, otherwise she wouldn’t have contacted you.
This is the minimal amount of money you need when you walk into the nearest CVS to purchase the modern scientific miracle known as Plan B. Religious and political views aside, if you want to avoid dropping out of school to support your shotgun wedding wife, buy this now. It doesn’t protect you from sexually transmitted diseases, but it is 95% effective at preventing pregnancy if taken within 24 hours after having unprotected sex. I keep an envelope with $60.00 in my mattress for such occasions (the difference being for cigarettes).
3.) Hey, sooo…
When this text appears on your phone three weeks later, congratulations, you are not a father. Stop retelling the “Dude, remember the girl I brought home that night I was blacked” war story and take a moment to collect yourself. The results are in: you can graduate college and not have to see this street walking bar harlot ever again. You should probably also apologize to the girl in question about being an ‘emotionally unavailable douche bag’, but this is completely optional.
Black out and eradicate this horrible experience from your mind. For future reference, condoms are cheaper than Plan B and especially diapers. Wrap it up next time dumbass.
Condomize then Womanize,