5 Things You Should Stop Doing On Facebook | A Guide To Keeping Your Friends

When I’m not out at a house party or at the bar with my friends, I often find myself randomly surfing Facebook. Yeah, Facebook is fun for a bunch of reasons, but there are a few really annoying thingsthat people frequently do. For instance, thinking that they have advice to give to the world–wait that’s what I’m doing right now? Never mind that first one then, below a five more that truly make me want to delete my account…

5. Sweeping Declarations-If __________wins/loses/occurs, it will ruin my faith in humanity/destroy the country/fuck my day, in response to this I intend to leave the country/destroy my computer/delete my account.We see this everyday, especially now that the election is close at hand. Every time I sign into Facebook I see another one of my “friends” telling me how if event X occurs they plan on; leaving the country/internet/book club, move into isolation, or completely change their life for the better/worse. Who are you kidding? Not me! It’s just annoying to have to constantly see this, STOP IT…or I swear I’m leaving the internet forever!!4. Baby Pictures There is a reason that I’m not friends with any children or babies on social media. Well a few reasons;
they can’t type very well, they spit up their food, and–they’re BABIES! I get that your kid is the cutest kid ever, in the history of procreation. Seriously, your kid is the “Golden Child” and no matter how long I search the internet for pictures of cute babies your kid is probably going to be on every page, of every set, of Google search results. The truth of it: Posting baby pictures on Facebook is kind of like breastfeeding in
public! Yeah, you CAN but don’t be surprised if some weirdo is gawking at you…yes I mean one of your friends is a creep, possibly a PEDO! Does this scare you? Good, stop posting baby pictures!

3. Cute Cuddly Messages/Explicit Messages– This one is simple. No one, absolutely no one , cares whether she has “the cutest lil button nose…yes you do! Yes you do!” On the other end of the spectrum, I also do not wish to know that you’ve “never been inside someone else so many times in a day” at all!!! Unless, the amount of “times” is one, and you just lost your virginity. In that situation feel free to post it on my wall, so that I can share it too! Good news is hard to come by these days.

2. Therapy Sessions– I love to vent on the internet, I can admit that I’m doing it right now! However, very few people want to know about how much she broke your heart. Save that shit for the tabloids! What, your break-up isn’t gonna be in the tabloids? Oh riiight, because no one cares. Keep your personal life personal. If I can imagine you crying as you write your Facebook status, you are wrong! RULE OF THUMB: Anger is entertaining, Sadness is depressing.

1. Birthday Posts to People Who’ll Never See It– “Happy 1st Birthday to my wonderful nephew _____”. Just say to yourself, “Is this person my friend? Is there a chance that they will see today?” If there is no chance of the person seeing it on their birthday or very soon after then you should surely consider not posting it…Ever!

Then again, it is YOUR account and you can do anything you want! Shit, I always do ;) …bitches love smiley faces!