Availability Addicts: Accept It, You’re too “Available”
Hi, my name is Nayeli and I’m an “availability addict”. Whats that you ask? An “Availability Addict” is someone who secretly holds out on plans in case that one special person becomes available.Ohyes, we tell ourselves, “eff it! I don’t need them. I have a life! LOTS of people are dying to hang with me. I don’t cater to anyone and if I had plans I would totally not cancel.”
This is where Denial creeps in [and the rehab begins]: in order to cancel plans, one must first make them. Many of us enter into the “availability limbo” on afrequentbasis. We “addicts” wait in bed glancing at our phones every couple minutes on the off chance that the anticipated “lets hang” text pops up onto our screen. What’s worse, we pretend we are not “that person” who waits around for someone with better things to do…that we can stop whenever we want to. We tell ourselves “oh yeah I just really needed a chill night in anyways” or “nothing is really going on tonight ” (however, minute the person you were waiting on calls, you’re out the door revving up the Scion like the Incredible frickin’ Hulk). If this sounds familiar then, you, like me, are an “Availability Addict”. The good news? Rehab is right around the corner…
First step: Accept that, in the context of this discussion, the other person is not necessarily a douche for being unavailable. If they have expressly told you that they are busy and might be free at some point later, then they really aren’t deceiving you in any way. Given this information, it is your choice on how to proceed from there. Many people are quick to tell us, “if someone keeps you waiting around [for whatever reason] then they don’t deserve you”. While good advice in many situations (i.e. if somebody never makes a plan or always keeps you on the backburner), we must recognize the times that we decide to put ourselves second without any help at all! Consequently, by waiting around, everyone loses. Not only are you stuck at home craving a call that may or may not come, a resentment can build (whether conscious or not) around the fact that you’re waiting and not getting a “fix. Often this negative feeling is then projected onto the “culprit” and can put an unnecessary wedge in your relationship [trust me, there will be plenty of other times when your built up frustration is warranted-this just isn’t one of them].
Second Step: Change your behavior. Once you’ve broken free of the “availability” cycle you’ll realize how ridiculous it was being a slave to your phone. Altering everything [or nothing depending on how you look at it] for a chance meeting doesn’t really get you much more face-time and is definitely not worth all that willy nilly waiting-if somebody wants to see you, they will. If they end up being busy, that’s cool too because you’re truly doing your own thing!
Third Step: Really assess whether you’re being treated badly or if your desire to see this person is driving your emotions. While it is really important to take responsibility for being “too available”, it is also important to reflect on how you’re being treated in general. If you’re always the “up-in-the-air” plan when nothing better is going on, then it might be time to land and deplane. However, if someone is just busy that night, you should reflect on your choices and hopefully avoid being perched like a needy pigeon inside your room.
So there you have it- three steps that will save you from the agony of waiting. I, Nayeli, am an Availability Addict and I’m taking it one step at a time. Join me in my plight.