Excuses: A Skill For Avoiding Responsibility, Like A Boss | Good Excuses

Like any self respecting college student or 20 something I have a certain problem with responsibility. Luckily I don’t feel alone on this sentiment, I mean obviously you feel the same way or at least want to learn how to avoid it. If not I’m either flattered by your level of dedication towards my blogs, or terribly jeeved out by your insistence on reading anything I post on the internet.

Okay so the first step to ensure that you will avoid responsibility is making sure that you don’t put too much effort into it. If you get caught putting 40 minutes worth of work into trying to avoid the 10 minute job of cleaning your pool you’re going to give people the wrong impression. Make it look easy, don’t complicate yourself. If you don’t want to clean the pool spend 3 minutes looking up the term for having a fear of cleaning (you’re welcome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ablutophobia).

Step two, is just as simple as the previous one, get an accomplice to help you avoid the bigger tasks. If your girlfriend wants you to go out to dinner have your younger brother call and make up some excuse about having an inflammation of the throat and stomach and he “NEEDS” his big brother. The excuse is just vague enough to work, it gives her a reason not to go with you, and gives you time to drink and play X-Box. and an excuse not to do anything for the next week or so as you pretend to have caught something. Please make sure your accomplices have been properly paid off, and are trustworthy. Don’t intentionally involve more people than you have to, it becomes far too suspicious. Be stern and make sure to act appropriately before, during and at least 48 hours after.
If work calls you i
n or a friend invites a bunch of people over to help him/her move be prepared to use step 3: The Lie. Let the lie become your friend. Take it out to brunch, bring it flowers, get to know the lie, and become an expert at lying. Lies are much like debt. You want the lie small, you want it manageable, you want to make sure your parents don’t worry about you having to take care of it and try to help you and just end up making things worse. A small lie is the key to happiness. It’s the difference between taking your math final or seeing Justin Timberlake live in concert the night before your math final.

The final and most important is choosing your battles; don’t try to make an excuse every single week for your algebra class. Your grandmother can only die up to 4 times depending on how liberal both sides of your family were after both of their husbands died in the war. Your computer can only die so many times before someone decides to just buy you a new one. Save your attempts for big things and always look miserable pre and post avoidance, that’s the only way to insure you’re home free.