Bar & Party Bathrooms: Managing Your Expectations | Festival bathrooms

It happens to the best of us, you down a couple of beers and minutes later nature calls… and calls and calls and calls. Yes, I am talking about the infamous broken seal. It’s because of this drinking curse that quality bar/party time is wasted dicking around in the bathroom.

Toilet paper? Forget about it.

11 times out of 10 there will not be toilet paper in the bathroom at a bar or house party. There are multiple solutions to this problem: you can kindly ask the stranger in the stall next to you to share the love, you can dab yourself once or twice with the naked cardboard toilet paper roll (desperate times call for measures), or you can get smart like my friends and I and start bringing tissues or balls of toilet paper to bars and house parties in your purse. One thing that
really ticks me off about the lack of toilet paper in bathrooms is the pile of toilet paper right underneath your feet as you sit on the toilet helplessly searching for something to dry yourself with. Hell no am I gonna wipe my lady parts with that shit, I don’t know where it’s been. But here’s a thought:maybe if
we didn’t carelessly waste the TP we wouldn’t have to foolishly hover over the toilet bowl, shaking our asses in figure 8’s. Conserve the TP for all those bitches walking around with damp panties!

Toilet Readingbar party bathroom

Guys, I don’t (often) go into men’s bathrooms so I’m mainly speaking from the ladies bathroom perspective here. However, I can imagine that your bathroom stalls don’t look all that different. Without fail, in every girl’s bathroom, there will be some sort
of pep talk on the stall walls, something along the lines of, “You’re beautiful, don’t ever change <3” I usually read these quotes squatted over the toilet, drunkenly bouncing from one stall wall to the other, panties around my ankles, beer in one hand, the ends of my hair dipping in my cup as I desperately shake my ass over the toilet bowl in attempts to air dry (CONSERVE THE TP). I don’t know if beautiful would be my choice of word in that moment, but sure, we’ll go with it. A couple of inches under the quote there is an arrow pointing to four words, “Fuck bitches get money.”

Lingering Lines

People are unable to pee in a timely fashion when drunk, resulting in a half hour long wait in line. There could be many causes for this traffic jam: girls must always have at
least one pee buddy, resulting in 2 plus girls in the bathroom at one time; the bathroom is an ideal space to hold that one private conversation about how your friend cheated on his or her significant other last night; figuring out how to lock and unlock the door when intoxicated proves to be extremely difficult. Waiting in the bathroom line at a bar or house party is not always a bad thing. Bathroom lines are a lovely way to meet and talk to new people. Great topics of conversation are: the asshole who locked himself in the bathroom, figuring out what’s in the purple drink in your cup, or how the DJ’s played Call My Maybe four times in the past hour. Or just stand there awkwardly squeezing your thighs together… But it’s every man for himself in the bathroom line.