If there’s a sight that is more intimidating than a three-beer funnel, I have yet to encounter it.
There are few things in this world that pose the same chances of a “yack sesh” than this wickedcreation.But even though the funnel occupies a special amount of distain in every college student’s heart, it boasts an equal amount of fondness. Because the nights where I had some of the most fun in college started with a round of beer funnels around the room. And the nights that I cant remember… well they probably started the same way. It’s kind of a messed upinventionif you thing about it. After all, wasn’t binge drinking efficient enough without this monstrosity? Apparently not, because while keg stands, gargoyle’s and shot-gunning beers are all fine, nothing compares to taking a beer funnel to the face to start a night!
My sophomore year of college; the beer funnel was the only way to consume idiotic amounts of beer…and that was the goal! It was more than a way to get wasted, it was a way of showing off. We were constantly trying to one-up each other. If one of us drank one beer, then the next person would most likely try and drink two beers. And if someone poured another beer in the funnel… well, then you had another beer to finish, no questions asked. I was never very good at drinking from beer funnels. I just couldn’t keep the beer down. If I didn’t throw up, then I would always have to be careful not to belch out the beer that I just drank. But there is one time in particular that I remember being especially brutal. STORY TIME!
It was the night of the lacrosse team’s Highlighter party, and my Suit-mates and I were pumped as ever. It was a pretty standard night, first came Beer pong, then came shots, and finally, the beer funnel reared it’s ugly head! But this night my friend Kevin got a nasty little surprise at the liquor store. He picked up a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice, which a straight guy only buys if he intends to be a dick that night. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the practice of “icing” your friend, let me pause and fill you in. The trick is to get someone to accidentally spot a bottle of Smirnoff Ice that your friend planted somewhere. If they see it, they chug it. Yes, you must take a knee to chug. Yes, it’s as lame as it sounds. No comment on whether, or not, I’ve done it to someone else.
So it came time for me to take a funnel and my friends Alex and Joey, god love them, talked me into taking a tipple funnel. As they bean pouring the beer I realized how bad of an idea this was. But this was college, it was time to nut up or shut up, so I grabbed the hose of the funnel, closed my eyes and braced for the flow of beer and the obligatory “Wow you sure know how to suck it” comment.
There’s always that point when you take a funnel where the beer starts to burn your throat. It’s almost like a bouncer telling the beer that “the club”, your stomach, is at capacity. But the beer from a funnel is a persuasive customer and always finds a way through to your stomach, and this time was no exception. Now to put this onto context for you fellow party goers, that last time I had taken a triple beer funnel had not ended very well. All I’m gonna say is YACK CITY. So this time I was determined to hold my beer in at all costs. So I killed the tipple (wow slurring my words just recalling this…) triple beer funnel, and was experiencing that feeling of blood rushing to my head. I got the congratulatory pat on the back and was feeling fine. That is, until I saw the piercing stare of a Smirnoff Ice sitting on the bathroom sink. Keep in mind, I was young, I was drunk, and I was prety stupid… as are most college students on a friday night. So the only thing I could say was “fuck you Kev”. And thats the story of the last time I ever drank a Smirnoff ice.
The beer funnel is a sinister little creation, but I’d be lying to you if I say that it didn’t leave me with some hilarious memories. I guess thats the point of partying in college, not the intoxication, but the memories that your drunken ass creates. So cheers to you and your beer funnels, you Titans of drinking. May the beer flow like wine from your hose every time. Let me know what your funniest beer funnel story is!