Five People You'll Meet at a College Party
The Cock Block Mascot
The cock block mascot is every guy’s worst nightmare. They come in many different shapes and sizes, but they always have the same objective. More often than not, the clock block mascot is the ugly chick in the group that doesn’t get any attention. Instead of trying to better herself, the “mascot” sees to it that if she’s not getting laid… no one is. Take That Society!!
The Guy with No Standards
Coming complete with HPV, and a creep level that would make Chris Hanson proud is our good friend “Mr. No Standards”. No standard’s mission: fucking anything that is willing to drive to plan parenthood the next day. No Standards can usually be spotted in any shady corner, fiercely making out with his “prize” for the night. No standards, make yourself useful and please fuck one of the “mascots”.
The Beer Pong Champions
“Sorry ladies but were up next”… When a list of your potential opponents becomes the most important aspect of your party scene; you might be a douche bag. Seeing as they’re the tools running the beer pong table, spotting a Beer Pong Champion shouldn’t be too difficult. However, if you do end up eye to eye with the champs, proceed with caution. Nothing gives a Beer Pong Champion a stiffy like naked lapping some scrubs.
Now arriving to the party with absolutely nothing to show for…The Mooch. It takes a pretty courageous person to be able to show up to a party empty handed, and somehow finagle a way to leave drunk and high. Mooches have an amazing ability to not stick out, yet still manage to talk to everyone at a party. No bro I don’t want 50 cents, take a cigarette and leave me alone.
The Birthday Bitch
Let it be known that I’m not being sexiest on this one. The behavior that birthday girls demonstrate while they’re getting white girl wasted is equally as bad as the behavior dudes express. Birthday Bitches feel the need to let everyone know that it is indeed their birthday. With that being said, the actions a birthday bitch commits can be justified under these favorable circumstances. “Oh come on it’s his birthday”… I don’t care, tell him to put his pants back on.
**This post was written by Captain Keith Stoner Morgan**