It Could Happen To You, Because It Happened To Me: Morning Coffee
Today, for the first time in months, I woke up at 7:00 AM. Trust me, I tried to fall back asleep, but having “sleeping beauty” aka “Tom Tom the Snoring Bomb” for a roommate made that rather difficult. However, being awake
at seven wasn’t all that bad. The reason being, I was saved- saved by Zack Morris and the cast of Saved by the Bell (nothing like early morning TV). Another reason 7:00 AM didn’t suck: having the time to take a real shower. In other words, instead of just kneeling over my tub to wash my hair (a well-known family trick), I was able to take a long, hot shower without feeling rushed. But, being up early enough to enjoy a good breakfast is clutch, and the best part of breakfast is coffee; or at least I thought it was.
Did you ever have to excuse yourself from a classroom because you had to take a shit? I’m sure your answer is yes, and if it’s not, I bet a few of your peers would tell me otherwise. The only way not to give off the “I just took a shit signal” is quite simple: sprint shitting. A successful sprint shit revolves around two key elements. What are these key elements you may ask? Well, let’s just say they go by the name “Quantity” & “Size”, and they are your X-Factor. More often than not, Quantity and Size are usually on two different pages. Believe it or not, today, the elements were both on the same page. Unfortunately, I must have done something terrible because I managed to piss both of them off. Although, considering the elements, I still managed to make pretty good time. But, no matter how well you situate yourself after using the bathroom, there’s no way to get that guilty “I just took a shit” look off of your face. I mean, you were gone for almost 10 minutes for Christ’s sake. Not only that, but you know that pungent odor that was circulating the classroom? Well I’ll be damned; as soon as you vanished, the smell did too… MIND FREAK!!!
I don’t care if I’m an honorary guest at the White House; I’m wiping that toilet seat every time before I sit down. Reason being: the only thing that’s worse than sitting on a piss covered seat, is sitting on a wet pube covered seat. If you’ve accidently worn the ass toupee before, then you know exactly what I’m talking about (better safe than sorry).
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-Keith Morgan Follow @QueefMorgan