The Anatomy Of A Booty Call

Ring ring, it’s your 2 AM booty call! If you’re a single, straight, sexually active male between the ages of 16 and 25 and you’ve never woken up after a night of heavy drinking, with several outgoing calls and text messages to the vast array of females in your phone’s history which you do not remember sending, including current hook-ups, ex-hook-ups, before-I-blew-it-with-this-text-potential-hook-ups, and complete strangers who were, at some point, stupid enough to give you their number – then two things:

  1. Fuck you. You think you’re fucking better than me bro???

  2. Good for you buddy… Seriously.

I’m sure that drunken booty calls have been around since phones and liquor first began their love affair (Morse code was definitely impossible to use while shit-faced). As long as men keep having sacks, liquor will keep making them susceptible to the idea that sex may only be a phone call away. There’s really nothing we can do about it, it’s just a part of being a guy. It’s, sort of, like masturbation – everyone does it, no one talks about it, and you always hate yourself a little bit afterwards.

booty call

As a young buck, the first few times you wake up to the horrors of your obnoxiously desperate outgoing texts from last night, you feel a combination of mortification, then confusion and indignation. After accusing all of your friends and their mothers of stealing your phone and sending the embarrassing text messages, you finally admit that you’re probably just a drunken ass-clown and sent them yourself. Then, in order to salvage what’s left of your reputation, you pitifully apologize about you’re inability to handle your alcohol, thus embarrassing yourself further.

Presumingyou even get an answer, the victims usually say something nice like, “Aw, it’s ok. We all have our nights! Lol! Feel better!” which really means, “Wow, you are so fucking pathetic I can’t even be annoyed and disgusted with you anymore. Any guy willing to emasculate himself like this deserves some pity. I’ll let this one slide you fucking urchin”

As you get older, throughout college, you begin to fully understand that every serious night of drinking has the potential to end in at least three wretched ways:

  1. Pissing yourself.

  2. Urinating on someone else or some other inappropriate location.

  3. Booty calling every female in your phonebook.

Some nights you may even get drunk enough to accidentally text a few dudes, androgynous names SUCK – your friends will fuck with you and see how long they can string you along, your acquaintances will laugh and correct your mistake, and the strangers will anxiously question your identity and threaten your life. By now, you start to find humor in these erratic, unconsciously sent texts. You now wake up with an exciting uncertainty of the possible entertainment within your phone’s message history – not only are you getting funnier, but you’ve also become impervious to the original shame these texts used to bring you.

Remember: It’s only embarrassing if you actually feel embarrassed.

You’ve stopped apologizing for your crude propositions and now make jokes about them. You’ll even refuse all responsibility altogether by adopting the lofty alcoholic’s logic: “If I don’t remember it, then it didn’t happen.”

After years of black-out drinking and propositioning thousands of unsuspecting souls, you start to get kind of good at drunken booty calling – it’s almost like your black-out self has been keeping track and progressively learning through trial and error for the past five years. As a seasoned veteran, drunken booty calling has evolved from a hopeless attempt of a means to an end to one of your most cherished hobbies. Drunken booty calling, as a hobby, becomes not so much about hooking up, but about pushing the envelope and seeing how much social irreverence you can get away with.

For example, if you can successfully booty call a girl with either “Hey what’s up?” or “Baby if you give it to me; I’ll give it to you; as long as I can last; you know I got it…” which one would be funnier to wake up to? Exactly. But like I said, a successful hook up is the secondary objective – it makes it that much funnier.

The real humor lies in the genuinely visceral responses you get from some. It’s always amusing to see how some people will let just a few words ruin their night. There’s nothing funnier than the idiot who keeps on answering your absurdities with genuine aggravation, frustration and disgust. You’d think that they’d catch on and start to ignore you – at the very least, after the first couple texts- but it is rarely the case. Eventually, waking up to hour-long texting conversations, where you’re madness and flippant remarks are taken seriously to mind and heart, becomes one of the most entertaining forms of comedy ever to be enjoyed by man.

The key to booty calling is to never take the proposition or yourself too seriously. The “booty call” already knows whether she wants to fuck you or not. If she does, you can get away with saying some hilarious shit and still end up in some guts. If she doesn’t, you can still pass it off as a joke and pray your ass gets out of the “friend zone” soon. If you black out and completely shit the bed, always find the humor in the situation; you’ll thank me later.