Declaration of Underclassmen Dependence | College Life

When in the Course of a college semester it becomes necessary for underclassmen to dissolve the social bonds which have connected them to upperclassmen and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of the University and of the University’s Chancellor entitles them, a decent respect to the opinions of their classmates requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident that not all Collegians are aged equally. We are endowed, by our year of our creation, with certain liquor purchasing rights that among these are the ability to purchase, imbibe, and in certain instances, distribute alcoholic beverages. That to secure these rights, a hierarchy is instituted amongst students, deriving their powers from the consent of the Underclassmen,—That whenever any form of hierarchy becomes destructive of these ends(the party scene sucks), it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. When it becomes apparent that these rights are not properly exercised younger students are given impetus to commit fraud(fake ID’s). In appreciation of the law and love of country, I call upon the Seniors and Juniors of Universities around the world to take up arms and fight. “Fight for your right to party!”

In allseriousness though, upperclassmen have a duty, not just to their own legacy, but to that of their future Alma Maters’ to throw parties…good parties. What’s that? You need a reason why? Fuck, I didn’t plan for that but since you ask, sure.

Do it for pride. We all want to be remembered in college, not for the time we got pants on the quad or even for that ugly girl/guy you slept with freshman year. We try to invest in our own little piece of history. People party every weekend, hell some start on Wednesdays. Parties are very very common, but good parties raise the bar and make people appreciate those who threw them. Quickly, who threw the best parties at your high school? I bet you can still remember. If you’re not going to do it for yourself do it for your school. No one who visits a school on a weekend wants to remember how great the library was, and if they say they do I’m calling them a FUCKING LIAR. When someone visits a college, you want to find out that all the studying you lie to yourself believing that you want to do will somehow be rewarded on a weekly basis with a party that allows you to let your hair down a little, just a little bit. Do it for yourself and do it for your school. If those two aren’t enough, then do it for the underclassmen who wish they had your cool house and your ID.