Diary of an Alcoholic | The Morning After

I woke up this morning (1PM) more confused than a Syracuse ball boy (if you don’t understand the reference, then maybe you should watch the news sometime). Anyways, as I awoke from a deep “slumber”, a few questions came to mind. For example, how did I get home? Who put “ink” on my body? Where the hell are my sunglasses? And, why the fuck is there peanut butter in my ear? BTW, don’t worry if you can’t answer all of those questions because you’re all guilty as far as I can see it.

Let’s begin, Shaun, not to call out on the fact that you’re dyslexic, but I’m convinced that you were one of the “artists” involved. Reason being, who ever drew the “swastika” on me; well, they drew it backwards. Therefore, you’re guilty by default. But, don’t worry my friend, because I already know that you’re not the only guilty party on this one. “Why”? You may be asking. Well let me tell you. Other than the “swastika” that was drawn on me (real original by the way), I also discovered a small penis drawing on me as well. Judging by the detail, I can tell that the “artist” really took his time on this one. Given the fact that the artist put so much “detail” into such a small penis drawing, I’m convinced that Adam just traced his own. [Pause for laughter] As for the peanut butter, I can’t really pinpoint this one on anyone. I feel as though this one could have been self inflicted. Not to knock my sandwich making
capabilities, but I had a mom for a reason. *Side note, I’m 99% sure that expert sandwich making capabilities skips a generation*. Regardless, you can all go fuck yourselves. And not to bring it up again, but as I look at this penis drawing on my hand, that feat might be a little difficult for you Adam. As for you (Shannon, Tiffany, and Hannah) surprisingly, I woke up with my wallet in my pocket. Lets just say, I’m glad that I left all of my money/debit/credit cards at home. In hindsight, you wouldn’t think of that as being a bad thing. However, I still have an unused condom in my wallet. Given the fact that I was drunk as fuck, I know that I must have been spitting some serious “game” at all of you. With that being said, I’m disappointed that none of you had sex with me last night.

Regardless, congratulations to all who were involved, you “got” me. Adam and Shaun, I will spare one of you the humility if one of you can return my sunglasses. Otherwise, you’re both fucked. I will be shaving my pubes regularly, and will be placing them in a zip lock bag. If I catch either of you idiots passed out, consider yourself waking up with some serious five o’clock shadow. Also, seeing as I will be taking such robust care of my genitalia area; Shannon, Tiffany, and Hannah… you missed your chance. PEACE BITCHES.

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-Keith Morgan

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