The difference between being a hipster & being cultured

There are thousands upon thousands of young people walking around in suspenders, old t-shirts, carrying vinyls and wearing thick rimmed (Buddy Holly) glasses. Obviously 90% of the people doing this are doing it because it’s the cool thing to do. But there is a small 10% of those people who actually enjoy drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, who think vinyls just sound better, and that those indie movies that have a thin plot line and seem melancholy throughout are a piece of art and should be award winning. I believe I have figured out a way to determine if you or someone you love, has become or is becoming a hipster, or if they were born that way.

The first test, which is one of the easiest ones starts by grabbing their iPod and comparing it to their Facebook “likes”. Now if they have bands like “Miniature Tigers”, “Blind Pilot”, and “Scattered Trees” on their Facebook but their iPod is full of popular rap, alt, pop and/or Celene Dion chances are that they are trying to seem obscure on Facebook for the sake of being obscure. No self-respecting hipster would be caught dead with the soundtrack to the ‘99 smash hit Titanic, it’s just not going to happen. No matter how much hipsters love irony, that album is not ironic the only thing less ironic that than is the song ironic from Alanis Morissette (not to get off topic but if you haven’t listened to that recently you might want to check it out again, it’s the “The Room” of ‘90s music).

From Hipster To Hippie

If the subject passed the first test then you move onto the next test which isn’t as easy to pass. When you and the subject (unless you are the subject, in which case when you go out) where do you go? Does the subject try to pick the most obscure place? Are they trying to convince you to go to a torn down warehouse that has since become a discoteque with drinks served out of fire hydrants? Do the places that are suggested sound like they’d be fun to go to? If they don’t that’s a giant red flag. Do these places advertise only selling microbrews and PBR? That’s another red flag. If you ever go into one of those places does it reek of failed attempts of screen writing careers? Then you should probably get out of there before too late.

If the first two tests were passed, the last test will separate the hipsters from the men. It’s the simplest and most complex of them all. Ask yourself or the subject if they are a hipster. If they already like vinyl records, obscure bands, movies and venues there are only three possible answers.
1) If they say “yes”, they aren’t a hipster, they’re a failed attempt at being a hipster.
2) If they reply with something along the lines of “yeah haha I guess I’m becoming a hipster”, this is who they are, let them be, they’re not doing it for the same reason everyone else is.
3) If they answer with “no” run, run far away before they invite you to their coffee shop poetry reading.