Before being legally forced to take out everything that made drinking the genocide of college students enjoyable, Four Loko use to be my pregame in a can. However, thanks to a select groupofindividuals (looking at you, sophomore girls) drinking this putrid product is no longer tolerable. To my surprise, week in and week out— many of you are still getting LOKED-UP. So, what exactly does drinking Four Loko say about you?
-When it comes to getting drunk, taste and quality are of the least of your concerns. Furthermore, the only reason why many of you are still drinking FourLokois because this shitty drink is your scapegoat for banging big girls (most likely a sophomore girl). No offense ladies, but did you chicks honestly think that drinking 1220+ calories every weekend (2 Four Lokos) wasn’t going to have an effect on your pant size?
First off, I’m not even going to hate on anyone who drinks a 40. Reason being, when it comes to buying booze, there’s nothing wrong with someone getting there money’s worth. For $2.25, you can enjoy 40 ounces of “premium” malt liquor. For all of you math whizzes out there, that equates to just enough alcohol for me to confidently tell you that math is for nerds. So, what does drinking 40’s say about you?
-You have come to the realization that 40’s are an absolute delicacy. As “delicious” as drinking a 40 may be, let’s not forget that we are all cheap bastards for doing so. BTW, if you have yet to experience it, I recommend adding orange juice and vodka to a half empty bottle of Coqui 900. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Well, you might regret it the next day, but let’s not caught up in the details.
You know those nights when you just want to get a little bit frisky, but lack the founds to do it in style? No worries, feel free to dive into a bottle of cheap vodka. Granted, doing shots of cheap vodka is comparable to the feeling one experiences when accidentally walking into a spiderweb. However, when added to just about any mixer, cheap vodka is guaranteed to get you saucy. So, what does drinking cheap vodka say about you?
-Chances are, you just wanted a little change of scenery, and what better way of achieving that goal other than drinking some cheap vodka? True, mixing Red Bull and cheap vodka is a much more efficient way to handle your business. Although, judging by the effects that Four Loko had on some of you amateurs, it’s safe to say that Vodka & Red Bull might just about put you out of commission… for good. When push comes to shove (a common side affect of drinking cheap vodka), drinking cheap vodka is like wearing a Fossil to a Rolex party. Yea it’s cool that you were invited, but if you make it a habit, it’s only a matter of time before people begin to think that you’re lame.
If you’re a college dude that still hasn’t acquired a taste for beer, not only do I feel bad for your father, but I feel bad for the pummeling that your asshole must experience on a weekly basis. If my words haven’t painted a vivid enough picture for what chick drinks say about you, then maybe this picture will help.
If you’re busting out a bottle of Goose, it’s safe to say that there’s only one thing on your mind. Pussy. That’s right, if you’re lucky… some drunk chick might be under the impression that you’re swingin the big the dick. And, as much of an untrue statement that may be, who gives a shit? I mean, you already look ten times cooler than the dude who’s passing out shots of shitty vodka. As crazy as this may sound, that bottle of top shelf alone has already doubled your chances of getting an awkward hand job. A bottle of top shelf probably won’t get you laid, but it’s a pretty good wingman regardless. So, what does drinking top shelf say about you?
Well if you’re the guy passing out shots of cheap vodka, then you might think that the dude who brought top shelf liquor is an asshole. But, other than jealous “Mr. Boston”, as long as you share that shit… then you’re bound to have a good night.
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Love Yo Ass,
Keith Morgan Follow @QueefMorgan