20 Worst College Mascots | It’s Time To Admit They Suck
Sports fans can be very defensive about their players, coaches, and mascots. However, there comes a time maybe at a bar, perhaps it happens one depressing Saturday– as you watch your team get their asses handed to them– you realize “Wow, our mascot is preeetttyyy dumb.” Although you could never admit this to any of your friends from other schools, you realize that you and all your classmates are trapped, defending terrible mascot for the rest of your life.
Don’t worry the rest of us already know they suck. Maybe it’s time that you admit how bad they are too?
Wichita State University- Wushock the Shocker
I had to start with Wushock, not that it’s hard to see why. He’s called a “shocker” which is short for wheatshocker aka someone who bundles wheat, but he happens to, also, be a steroid riddled bundle of wheat. He’s, pretty much, Jack Nicholson in The Shining running through a field attempting to murder what remains of his wheat family. Besides that, he looks like someone switched out Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk makeup with yellow highlighter ink. Even the hair is identical.
Oklahoma State University- Pistol Pete
Who are you supposed to be kidding? Your mascot is Bandit…BURT GODDAMN REYNOLDS (ArcherVoice)!!Whichiskickass but super-lame that you’re passing him off as someone other than Burt Reynolds. For shame!
Ohio State University- Brutus the Buckeye
Seriously? WHAT IS THAT? I know he’s supposed to be a nut of the state tree, but c’mon! Brutus the Buckeye looks like an unfinished Dunkin Donuts munchkin with Keanu Reeves’ signature confused look. You know, the one you give to someone that thinks they’re your friend but secretly you talk about them when they’re not around. Mascots are supposed to intimidate, Brutus looks like he might break out in song any minute.
University of Louisiana at Lafayette- Cayenne
If I told someone to pick the Ragin’ Cajun out of a police lineup of mascots, based on the name alone, do you think they could do it? He doesn’t look like he’s “ragin”. His goofy, “I have a van full of candy and kittens”, smile certainly doesn’t suggest him being SO pumped for competition that he’d forgo the second g. This dude is definitely not as angry as Akuma, the guy from Street Fighter that he looks like. Someone should really fix that snarl…or fire him. Maybe an angry pelican?
Vanderbilt- Mr. C the Commodore
I can respect Mr. C when he’s dressed in his full military uniform. He’s almost the Commodore from Boardwalk Empire! What I can’t take is the way Vanderbilt has their mascot, a loose-skinned wrinkly old man running up and down basketball courts, and football fields, wearing team jerseys and pads. I’ve never seen an old man at sporting event in full uniform…ever.
Southern Illinois- Brown Dawg/Grey Dawg
I know that I should separate them, but they’re both just SO DAMN UGLY. They both look like C-list horror movie effects.
Western Kentucky University- Big Red
Can anyone say, with a straight face, that Big Red isn’t just a Red version of The Grimace? No one…thought so. For anyone that was against it, was it because you knew that would look like a string-less, used tampon? Cause he does.
Webster University- Gorlock
So, you created your own mythical beast to be you mascot…not bad. I had no problem with this mascot, until I read the description. The Gorlock, “has the paws of a cheetah, the horns of a buffalo, and the face of a Saint Bernard dog.” Basically, your mascot is Man-Bear-Pig.
St. Louis University- Billiken
Don’t know what a billiken is, don’t care what a billiken is supposed to be. When I see SLU’s Billiken I think of Supreme Kai from Dragon Ball Z. Don’t act like you don’t remember.
University of Nebraska- Herbie Husker & Lil’ Red
Herbie Husker: Grown up Dennis the Menace or Lenny from Of Mice and Men? Either way, he looks like a creep. Maybe it’s my own bias…I’m extremely wary of human mascots having less than 10 digits. His sidekick Lil’ Red is no better, dude looks like he got yanked out of a Hip Hop Harry taping. Don’t trust his shifty eyes.
Georgia Tech- Ramblin’ Wreck
If the car’s such a wreck, why don’t they put it out of it’s misery? Hell even Chrysler asked to have their old Vipers destroyed. The Ford Model A is cool, if you’re into a car that no one wants to drive anymore. Which I’m forced to assume that every football fan at Georgia Tech is, considering that Ramblin’ Wreck represents the football team, most often. At least Buzz is a solid backup!
Campbell University- Gaylord the Camel
Camels have been accused of having substance abuse issues since Joe Camel was the face of tabacco. With that said, what drug do we think Gaylord is on? I wanna say a “study drug”, his eyes eyeballs are attempting to jump out of his skull like he’s been up all night writing a paper he should’ve started weeks ago. He might’ve gotten into Walter White’s blue stuff. Bad mascot!
Evergreen State College- Speedy the Geoduck
A geoduck is a large edible saltwater clam. So, of all the types of clams available, they choose one that’s edible? Did anyone speak up against this?
Virginia Tech – HokieBird
Is it Thanksgiving again so soon? Nope, that’s HokieBird Virginia Tech’s answer to the Duke Blue Devil & UNC Tar Heel…pluck it, bake it, and then get rid of it.
Gray’s Harbor College- Charlie Choker
It’s not so much that Charlie’s a bad mascot, it is that he looks like he’s gonna stare into your eyes as they glaze over while he wraps that length of rope around your neck. Fun Fact: John Madden is a proud “choker”, he played football at Gray’s Harbor College!
UC Santa Cruz- Sammy the Banana Slug
It’s a slug. Is there anything left to say?
Texas Christian University – Superfrog
Frankly, it’s a little insulting that people think you can just add “Super” to the front of any animal and it’s suddenly cool.
Stanford University…Nothing Official
As a school known for the student body’s intelligence, it’s a bad look that your mascot situation is filed under: It’s Complicated. You’ve been unofficial since 1975…put a ring on it already! On one hand, it’s lame to NOT have a mascot, especially when your band does. On the other hand, the tree looks like something a gang of overworked, underpaid, a few drinks too-deep elementary school teachers threw together with old papier mâché.
Oglethorpe University- Petey the Stormy Petrel
You have a black & white mascot? Is Oglethorpe U in Pleasantville? I’ve heard of throwback jerseys, but a throwback mascot? Unacceptable. Who actually gets excited to run onto the field of competition behind this strange, almost-pelican that looks like someone cut him out of the funny pages for an eight year-old…in the 50s.
Trinity Christian College- Troll
1. When you wake up and something exists but you aren’t sure how it got there…alcohol was probably involved. Since no one really knows how this troll mascot came to be. I’m gonna say alcohol was involved at a major point in the decision-making process.
2. Your mascot definitely has herpes. To quote How High, “That shit on your lip got some shit on its lip.” Change that, it’s gross.
3. If those two aren’t enough, the look on his face says “I masturbate under bridges, give me your gold.”